You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Randomize
