I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
