Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
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