remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Randomize
