Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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