I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
