I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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