it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
