Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Randomize
