Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Awesome. Ask her out.
Nope. She's got a detail of ed hardy security around her.
I wanna passion pit in your ass
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize