I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
