Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
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