the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
