my phone needs a breathalizer
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
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