I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
