The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
I just found puke in my bra..
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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