The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Randomize
