also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Just puked most of my soul out..
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
