Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
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