the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
