im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
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