no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
