dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
