Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
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