so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
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