Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
Randomize
