we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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