Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
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