this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
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