I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
