I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Randomize
