i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
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