quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Randomize
