Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Don't make out with my wife yet
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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