how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
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