i permit you to call me
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
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