Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
