Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
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