The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
It's rum buckets o'clock
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Randomize
