Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
its liver damage thursday
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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