Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
Ed hardy stationary at walmart. I'm betting snookie wishes she knew how to write
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
