sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Man, jail baloney is awful.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
