so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Randomize
