I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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