dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
