I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize
