apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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