We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
