I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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