I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
she peed on how many people?
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
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