bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
