So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
