Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
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