I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Randomize
