also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
someone owes me an orgasm
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Randomize
