i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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