Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
