I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
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