She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
