so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Randomize
