I like to think it a success when the cops are called
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
